I had never been 100% sure about adopting a dog. Despite my frequent browsing of rescue websites and gushing over other people's cute pets at coffee shops, when it came down to thinking about how a dog would fit into my own life, there had always been some reservations. How much less freedom would I have to travel? How much earlier would I have to wake up to fit morning walks into my schedule? How would I deal with unpleasant necessities like picking up poop off the sidewalk, dust and dirt in the house, or training accidents?
Even after actually adopting a dog at the beginning of the pandemic in 2020, part of me didn't realize it had become real. Sitting in the meet-and-greet room at Family Dog Rescue, looking at his furry face smiling nervously up at me, I felt a little outside of my own body as we signed the papers.
But here I am, two years later, eyes red from tears at the prospect of saying goodbye to Cheddar. It is the saddest thing I've had to do in my life.
It's not like we didn't know it was coming. If anything, our relationship with Cheddar has always been colored by the looming inevitability of death in the background, almost from the very beginning. There was a period in the first few weeks where Alex and I did not simply have the puppy blues, but legitimately were thinking about giving Cheddar back to the shelter because we didn't want to become hospice care for our first dog. The shelter owner even told us that they would understand if we wanted to return him, since a dog with cancer is a lot to handle for first time dog parents. Yet somehow, he stayed in our lives.
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Cheddar is a dog of routine and never much enjoyed surprises. Even when we tried to do something nice for him, like bring him over to Christmas dinner, or take him on a road trip with us, or take him out to dinner where he sat underneath us on the patio, you would get the sense that he might prefer to just be at home. Sometimes you'd even feel a bit bad for trying to do something special for him.
When we'd try to make him a special dinner or a special treat, he'd chomp it down greedily and then look at you with a Very Serious Face. As if trying to suss out whether there was more to be had, and how he could get it -- there was never any happy appreciation. And then worst of all, you'd both slightly regret it several hours later when he was grumbling because his digestive tract was unhappy.
Cheddar was a street dog for a while before he got rescued. You could tell because he was never snobby about food. People are always amazed when we tell them he eats anything: salad, broccoli, bitter melon, kimchi... the only things we figured out that he wasn't really a fan of was citrus, basil, and coffee. In the beginning, he was particularly extremely interested in whatever scraps of food we came across on the street (it took a while for us to teach him 'no', and it got a little better after that). Once, he desperately bit a bucket that had a hamburger bun in it when the bun itself was definitely out of reach. He made us work on our food-spotting and kicking-food-away reflexes, but more importantly, he made us laugh a lot.
He'd look pathetically at you when you tried to get him interested in any toy that wasn't food-related in some way. Like, "what am I supposed to do with this?". It took me about four months to teach him to pick up a tennis ball and bring it to me. And then, he'd only do it about half the time when he knew I had treats. He would also sassily make a "bleh" face after dropping the tennis ball, as if to say, "this thing doesn't belong in my mouth. it's seriously not edible."
He wasn't very interested in the other dogs at the park, although every now and then there would be a new dog that piqued his interest. The other dogs seemed to sense that he wasn't really down to play and that he was pretty easygoing too, most of them tended to ignore this old man, and others tried to assert dominance and hump him. Cheddar would sit down acceptingly and let them do their thing.
Cheddar much preferred instead to stay near the humans; that's where the pets and treats came from. Once, he was sitting too close to another dog while they were both begging for treats, and the other dog snapped at him. Cheddar got a bit scared to beg for treats after that for a few days, but he was back at it soon enough.
He would get zoomies after having a bath. While being washed, he'd look meek, small -- the water pushed his puffy coat down on his frame, and he'd look at you with his wide eyes and mouth small, like he was holding in all his feelings. But afterwards, he'd sprint up and down the hallway, the fastest he could run -- he'd then sploot down on the rugs on either end and aggressively rub himself into the ground. He seemed happy doing this.
He grumbled when he was displeased, like an old man huffing with slight discontent. Like when you made him do a trick, and then he did it, and then realized you didn't have any treats.
When he was actually impatient, like when a chicken had been roasting in the oven for an hour, he'd sit himself right by the door, whining and chomping the air, to let us know exactly what he was after. He would be in a chicken craze all night after that, and the more we gave him, the more worked up he'd get.
Cheddar always gave everything a go. Even when he was scared of stairs, he'd try to climb them if we asked him to.
Cheddar was good at being constant too. He was there on the red day of September 2020. He was there when we got married over video call with city hall. He was always there by your side, even when it was annoying. He just wanted to be close to you, which is quite a virtue too.
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The guilt and absurdities associated with having a terminally ill pet include little thoughts like:
When should I order new pills? If the vet prescribed only five refills for these painkillers, does that mean she expects Cheddar will die by the time the final refill is consumed? From extrapolating the number of pills we're feeing him per day, that means the vet's expected prognosis is <xyz> weeks...
We can plan a trip <X> months away; I suppose Cheddar will not be around by then.
Will we have to buy another bag of dog food, or will he be gone before he finishes this one?
(every time I leave the house to do something) Should I be staying home instead to spend more time with Cheddar before he dies?
I guess there is no point taking him in for another regular exam / taking him in for vaccine renewal / giving him the anti parasite meds this month since he can barely walk / doesn't meet other dogs / whatever new might be wrong with him probably won't kill him faster than the cancer will...
(Walking past) He is lying very still... Better make sure he is still breathing. (stands around to observe his chest for a while longer) .. ok, he is still alive.
Is this the last time <a somewhat regular visitor> is going to see Cheddar?
Is this the last time Cheddar is going to be at <a somewhat regular spot>?
(every time a part of his body clicks when we are moving him) Oh no did I break something?
This is the last Wednesday Cheddar will experience.
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Cheddar crossed the rainbow bridge peacefully at home today. We went on some long walks, took some photos, and hung out in the sun at some of his favorite spots over the last couple days. He has been having some rough nights; he must have been battling with a lot of pain and anxiety due to his body not doing what he wanted anymore... Letting him go felt like the right thing to do, although it is the most painful thing I have had to do in my life.
The house is so quiet without him, although it is still littered with all of his things. I am so grateful that he made his way into our lives and we were able to spend the last two years with him. What have I learned from living with Cheddar?
Things just happen in life, and it's really up to you how you deal with them.
Appreciate the little things, enjoy the goings on in the neighborhood.
Always greet others with a positive attitude.
People like to see that you're trying hard and making an effort, even if you're not much good at what you're trying to do.
Ask for what you want or need, or try your darnedest to get it yourself.
Living with Cheddar made my heart bigger.
